A reader had a question about how to deal with the frustrations of dating. She wanted to know how to find a great guy who is not needy and expecting her to do all the emotional and financial work. She also wanted to know how to find a man who is strong, professional, and not looking for a needy woman (which she is the complete opposite of). She’s tried online dating but that doesn’t work and she wants a different kind of man but keeps attracting the same kind as the one she dumped.
This lady has several things going on in her head and her emotions are very high. I can understand her dilemma and hopefully I can offer some insight to at least give her hope and peace.
I want to start with this caveat. Everybody is looking for love and looking from relief from the loneliness they feel. It is universal and deeply heartfelt. As humans we can’t get around this because we are all born with a hole in our soul that yearns to be filled with love.
Having said that, I want to encourage this woman to take a deep breath and really think about what she wants. She might use the time after her child is asleep to list all the good things she wants out of life. She will benefit from imagining her desires by closing her eyes and seeing those good things happening to her. This visualization is key to getting what you want out of life.
If she wants a strong, professional man she should imagine herself with that kind of man. Sometimes we focus so much on what we don’t want we end up attracting those things into our lives, over and over again. She mentioned that she keeps running into and attracting the same kind of man.
The next step is to look into her own life and heart and see if she is the kind of person she wants to attract. We are like mirrors and magnets. We see in others what we see in ourselves and we attract to ourselves, just like a magnet, the kind of people we really are on the inside.
Despite her saying she didn’t want a needy man, she is portraying neediness in desperately wanting to date, find a good man, and hold on to her strong, professional mask. Yes I said mask, because this is what she is hiding behind.
Remember I said that every person longs for love and has a space in their soul that needs to be filled? Often we hide behind one or several layers of masks to avoid being hurt or because we want to appear a certain way. This mask protects us, we think; but in reality it imprisons us and keeps us from the very thing we want. Love.
Looking deep within and seeing her character and personality is much more important than feeling strong and wearing the “I’m a professional” badge. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you cannot connect to others on an intimate level.
I’ve gone a bit deep, I know, but the issues are deeper than they look on the surface. This woman thinks she wants a man who is different from what she’s dated, but what she probably really wants is deep connections with others, period.
She cannot attract the kind of man she wants until she is content with who she is as a person and gives up the search. She is not ready to receive the gift of a great relationship because she hasn’t accepted the gift of her own beautiful soul.
What if she looked around and started befriending people who need her love and support. What if she took her daughter to volunteer once a month at her favorite charity? What if she signed up for a sports league in her neighborhood? What if she offered her professional services to the local networking group?
In each one of these scenarios she could meet the man of her dreams. When she is open and receptive because she is opening her heart to causes, the right man will come into her life.
As a whole, single mom are probably worn out because they have to do it all. I know I am, but I’m learning to take care of myself and giving myself a break. I am focusing on what I want and not on what I don’t want; and guess what? I am getting more of what I want out of life.
This ability to focus does not happen over night. We do not wake up one day and discover our lives have done a complete 180. We usually begin to notice our frustrations and pain in life then begin to seek answers. In our search we may find the problem we thought we had was very different than the one we actually have.
The good news is we are very flexible and have the ability to change and reinvent our lives bit by bit each day.
So the woman who is frustrated about the lack of dateable men and wants to find the perfect man may soon find her problems could disappear if she will only look a little deeper and re-focus her problems. Opening her heart to new opportunities in the areas of giving loving support, volunteering once a month, playing in the neighborhood sports league, or networking to share her professional skills will open the door to quality, dateable men.